How Do Couples Who Fight Stay Together?

When a couple is struggling, conflict may feel like the only option. But the good news is, fighting doesn’t have to be a bad thing. Rather, it can be an opportunity for both partners to grow, according to psychologists.

Relationships are prone to fights for a reason, and the way couples handle them can make the difference between a relationship that lasts and one that dissolves. Studies have shown that relationships with more regular disagreements tend to last longer than those with fewer.

What are some of the most common mistakes couples make when they fight?

1. Don’t name-call (and it’s a big mistake)

While it is important to express your emotions clearly, calling out your partner for their behavior or actions can be a huge mistake. Not only is it a waste of time, but you also might be damaging your partner’s trust in you.

2. Always agree on an objective for the conversation

When you start a discussion about an argument, always have an objective in mind. That way, you can both move forward from there and find a solution that will work for both parties.

3. Don’t retreat if you’re feeling overwhelmed or frustrated by the situation

When it comes to fights, one of the biggest mistakes couples make is to quickly retreat if they’re upset about something. If you’re in this mindset, you’re not giving your partner the chance to respond properly, says therapist Marni Feuerman.

Those quick retreats are often what cause couples to become overly emotional and have an overall negative outlook on the situation, which can lead to resentment.

4. Don’t bring up an argument too frequently

If you keep bringing up your fights, it can cause your partner to feel as if they aren’t being heard or respected. This can cause them to take the argument personally, which could exacerbate the issue further, according to Jennifer Doares, Ph.D, a licensed marriage and family therapist in Los Angeles.

5. Don’t pass the blame for your anger or sadness onto your partner

A lot of people slam their doors, throw plastic containers across the room and verbally abuse each other in the heat of the moment during fights. This isn’t a sign of love, says Steven Stosny, Ph.D, author of “How to Fall in Love Again.” Those things aren’t a sign of a healthy, loving relationship, he says.

6. Don’t re-approach the discussion once you’ve reached resolution

If your fight has resolved itself, don’t start talking about it again immediately, suggests Michelle Golland, Psy.D, a clinical psychologist in Los Angeles. That’s because bringing up the same argument over and over again can lead to a revolving door of conflicts, instead of one that leads to a mutually satisfactory solution, says Golland.

7. Listen without interrupting

During a fight, it’s normal for both partners to need their voices to be heard and to have their points of view validated. But when a couple isn’t able to do this, they often end up making unproductive and harmful decisions about the fight, according to clinical psychologist Deborah Grody.